So today I just wanna be really real with y'all. I've told y'all before that I've been dealing with depression and that I frequently experience "imposter syndrome" but y'all......lately it has been HEAVY!
Last week was ya girl's 26th birthday (blog post coming soon) and it was so great and filled with love. It was THE BEST birthday I've had and I just thought that nothing and no one could steal my joy. I had a friends zoom call the day before with a heart-warming video played at midnight. I had a surprise picnic with some of my favorite foods. And I ended it with church and a bangin' Sunday dinner. I was on a high that no drug could ever give me. I was happy and loved. But, as some of you may know, depression came knocking on my door hard and gave no fxcks about my happiness. When this week started I didn't get a job that I interviewed well for and knew I could do in my sleep. It was one of many, many, MANY rejections I've experienced lately. Then, I submitted another application and within literally a minute, I was told I wasn't a "good fit". I was devastated and started to think about all the bills I had to pay and the fact that my lease ends soon and I need to find a place to stay but can't because I have no source of income. I started thinking about how I'm a full-time student (x2) and how much debt I'm in. I thought about all the times people saw my resumes, credentials, and my accolades and said "Wow, this is great. You should have no problem getting a job!" Yeah, ok. I just felt like I am nothing like what people think I am and all that work I put in didn't mean shit. Emotions came and messed me up baby.
"Black Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population." -Anxiety and Depression Association of America
I cried everyday this week because I just couldn't believe that this was my life. There were times where I just thought "wtf am I even here for?" I barely ate. I didn't find cooking, baking, workouts, or music fun anymore. All I wanted to do was stay inside and do nothing. Now don't get me wrong. There were times where I had a burst of energy and laughed and smiled. But they didn't last long. I felt bad for even being so sad and depressed around other people and that shit just made me even more sad.
"In 2017, suicide was the second leading cause of death for African Americans, ages 15 to 24." -US Dept. of Health and Human Services
So, I leaned on prayer. And there were times where I felt an instant sense of relief or I saw a sign. I thought it was all good. It wasn't y'all. It was not good! I had friends telling me I need to see a doctor and get some meds because they help. I was hesitant because I don't want rely on meds to make me feel better. I want to "organically" feel happy. Then, all of a sudden, I realized that I was going about my self care and treatment all wrong.
Having real conversations about mental health (s/o to Reggie, Danita, Morgan, and Josh) and the different combinations of ways to heal helped me to see that I needed to write this post. I need to seek God and pray. I needed to get out and be with people, safely, of course. And I needed to seek therapy. For many of us, especially in the black communities, we think one thing should do the trick and fix it all. Like church or God.
"Black and African American hold beliefs related to stigma, psychological openness, and help-seeking, which in turn affects their coping behaviors. The participants in this study were not very open to acknowledging psychological problems, but they were somewhat open to seek mental health services." -Mental Health America
But a lot of the times, that isn't the case. For me, I had an epiphany and realized I needed God, family, friends, hobbies, therapy, AND meds. Most importantly, I needed to speak out and speak up about it. There are too many people who fall victim to their mental health. There are too many of us who suffer in silence. And there are too many people who brush off their suffering until it's too late. I'm lucky enough to have people on my side who understand the importance of mental health and getting the necessary help I need but some people aren't so lucky. In our communities and circles we need to address this. We need to show our support for those who struggle with their mental health. We need to encourage others to seek the help they need. It's both sad and refreshing to see that when you talk about your mental health struggles you find that your family and friends have their own. don't be ashamed. Don't feel discouraged. SPEAK UP! Because your life and someone else's could depend on it.
Now, I'm going to seek counseling and try medication on top of prayer, hobbies, and socializing because that's what works best for me. I truly hope you find what works for you. Y'all, I can feel a giant sense of relief come over me as I type this and share with y'all an important part of my life. And I hope you will, too. Stay safe. Find peace. And show love!
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